Life is the biggest mystery, the most tragic adventure.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t think I ever truly knew who I was. At what point in time do you feel comfortable in your own skin? How do you determine whether or not you have “found yourself”? Does forever even exist anymore?
If I have learned anything in this crazy mess we call life, it’s that the future is absolutely out of your control. I once read the quote “Only you can control your future” and I thought, sure, I can do this! If I can dream it and believe in myself, I can accomplish anything in life! While I would love to tell you that the future is entirely up to you, it’s not.
I once had dreams, aspirations, and expectations in my life. I dreamt of a beautiful life and family with my husband; someone I spent years with, who I loved more than life itself. I aspired to be a stay-at-home mother, caring for my children, watching them grow and learn, and being there for them as much as possible. I expected life to turn out the way I wanted. I had a plan. I expected too much.
Everyone lies. I thought I had the world in my hands. My husband and I were together for three years before he proposed to me, I was only 19 at that time and he was 24. I waited the average amount of time to get married, a little over a year later we were married on May 17th of 2014. I was happy. I had waited four years to marry the man I loved so much. We had our problems, just like I imagine every couple does. I forgave (or tried to to the best of my ability) him for things that others would have ended their relationships over. Even though I thought we were a good fit together, I would secretly have my own doubts from time to time.
I was extremely insecure, and even more so now. My husband did certain things to cause me to no longer trust him, even before we were married. I always thought I was doing the right thing, that forgiving him was what I should do because I loved him. I was lying to myself. I would lie awake at night at times and just wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t forgave him for cheating on me or lying to me. I was having battles in my brain and I always took the easy way of just trying to move past the bad, because I thought the good was worth it.
My husband and I were just far too different. I like to be romanced, I need to be needed in a relationship, and I love to go out and try new things sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I love lazy Sunday’s were I just lounge around and cuddle up to my love, but sometimes different is good. He was the absolute opposite. He was very reserved. He didn’t believe in love really, he often said that sex and love have nothing to do with each other. That should have been a big red flag for me…but I digress. Dates consisted of getting takeout and playing video games, or watching a movie of his choice, which I normally don’t mind, but there was never any compromise. I felt like I had to do the things he wanted otherwise he would become uninterested in me. He made me feel like the things I wanted or felt were stupid and illogical. Never let anyone make you feel that way.
After we were married, I thought life was great, perfect you might even say. I was happy. I tried to be the best wife I could. One day, the baby topic came up, we talked about our financial situation and decided we needed to be rid of all of our credit card debt prior to having a child. The plan was to pay off almost all of it and towards the end we could finally start trying. I was ecstatic. I love babies and I felt that, at the time, that was my purpose in life. I wanted to be a mother more than any other career I had ever considered. So, we decided to make a short-term move to Georgia to live with his uncle to try to save up some money and pay off our debts. I wasn’t the biggest fan of this idea. My mother is my best friend and the thought of being more than two hours away from her for over a year was terrifying. I expressed my concerns to my husband and the best advice he could give me was that I needed to be away from my family. Never let anyone tell you what you need, you are the only person who can accurately decide what is needed in your life.
February came and we made the 7 hour trip to Georgia with our two cars packed full of our things and our two pups. I was depressed. I felt sad, anxious, nervous, the whole nine yards. All I was comforted with was “Trust me, you need this”. I lied to myself yet again thinking “well…maybe it will be a good thing…”. I felt lost. I felt like I had no one. He was off in his own world playing games all the time and not caring that he was away from everyone and his family. Previously in our relationship he confided in me telling me that he doesn’t truly care about anyone, that if everyone he knew was gone or passed, that he could live his life no problem like nothing ever happened. No one meant anything to him. I never understood that about him. I never will.
I should have known, I should have listened to myself during those late nights wide awake. Shortly after we moved I felt less and less connected with him. We weren’t happy. I tried, I tried everything I could. He complained that I was too fat for him. He threatened me that he would have to leave me if I didn’t lose weight. My husband, the man I loved fiercely for five years, that I sacrificed so much and never got or asked for anything in return, told me he would have no choice but to leave me if I didn’t get into better shape. I was devastated. I wanted to die.
How can you promise someone forever, for better or worse, and then decide that you are no longer physically attracted to them and that was all that mattered in your relationship? I felt like my heart had been ripped out and I was left with a black hole eating away at the rest of me as a person. I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know what to say or feel or think. I didn’t know how to act.
I knew I had gained weight over the years, no I didn’t feel 100% good about myself, but I didn’t think I was so unbearable that it would destroy my marriage. Again, I lied to myself. I wasn’t thinking, I practically begged him not to leave, not to be so shallow, I told him I would change, that I would work hard. I did, for a few weeks. I worked out every day, I ate almost nothing every day. If I did eat something, it was strictly fruit and veggies. I refused to eat in front of him. I was afraid he would see me eat and think poorly of me. I would come to him daily with my weight for that day. I tried. I almost never got any encouragement. I would tell him “hey! I lost five pounds so far! and all I would get back was “Cool, keep up the work”. That hurt, I felt like I would never be good enough. Never let anyone tell you you aren’t enough. You are.
About a month after he gave me my ultimatum he left anyway. What did I do wrong? Was I not showing him how hard I was working? Did he just give up on me? I constantly asked myself what did I do wrong?! Here I am all alone in Georgia, my husband just left me, and I feel like dying again. I feel like my heart is eating away at me until there would be nothing left. I was okay with nothing being left. I didn’t care. I lost everything. I lost my dreams, my aspirations, and every expectation I had ever had for life. Who am I now? I was once a wife, a best friend, a companion. Now I am nothing. Never let anyone make you question your life.
We lived in a state of separation for two miserable months. He had been cheating on me, I have no idea for how long, but only after two months of being separated he was already in love with someone else. He told me right before we got married that he never truly loved me until about a year together, he just lied about loving me before then. Yet, not even two months after he left me he was already in love with someone else. I questioned every waking moment I spent with him. I felt like an absolutely fool. I had faith, I forgave, I trusted him, even though I shouldn’t have. Everyone lies.
I no longer feel safe. I feel like this world is going to eat me alive and no one will bat an eye. Just another soul lost to the madness. Every day I question myself, what I am doing here, why I am with the person I am with currently, what I should do with my future now. Does forever even exist? How do we know when we found “the one”? Once upon a time I thought I found my prince. He turned out to be an ugly toad. So how do we know when it’s real? What does love even feel like? All I know so far is that it hurts. You wake up one day thinking everything is perfectly fine, and then you are blindsided by the truth that nothing lasts forever.
I sometimes go through old facebook posts trying to delete every existence of my husband and I. Last night I stumbled upon a post from him that read “The only thing more impossible than me not loving you is Taylor Swift getting back with her ex, like ever”. The only thing that crossed my mind was LIAR. Without even a second thought I removed myself from that post. I don’t want to go back in time and change anything, I just want the memories to disappear. I don’t want to remember what an idiot I was, I don’t want to remember “the good times”. Those good times were all built on a foundation of lies.
I am trying my best to get through life. I have a wonderful new person in my life who brings me so much joy and happiness. He helps me feel again. I still find myself having panic attacks about what could happen. What if? What if? Do I ever want to be married again? Will I ever have the family I dreamt of once? How do I know what love is? Can I do put myself through this again? Was it my fault my marriage ended?
I don’t have the answers I am looking for, and I don’t think anyone can answer them for me. I know that things will get better. I know that it wasn’t my fault. But how do we dream of the future when no one can control what happens? The best solution I have come up with is take just one step at a time, one breath, just going where life takes you. “I think you’ve really got to wait and see how things play out. Sometimes a decision you might consider a regret or failure in the present can turn out to be the catalyst for something extraordinary in the end. Some of life’s wildest journeys begin with a wrong turn.”